It was just over a year ago that I faced the most debilitating injury of my life.  After a string of careless decisions on an insignificant day, I ended up unconscious on the marble floor of my apartment, with a deceivingly severe concussion and a collection of back and hip alignment issues.  I was out for an indefinite amount of time-since I was alone- and when I came to, I took advantage of the adrenaline to call a few very helpful friends.  It wasn’t until almost 2 weeks later that I realized how poorly I’d handled the first few stages of recovery, and I spent the next three months with little to no screens, books, exercise, or energy intensive activities, forced to rest on pain of prolonged brain “sensitivity.”

Sleeping 12-16 hours a day, limiting loud noises and intelligent conversations, no reading left me quite in tune with myself.  This is when I had that magical self-revelation:

I wasn’t happy.  I think, on a day to day basis I was happy.  Seeing my friends, working out, living downtown, being close to my family, it all seemed to be exactly the best life I could have imagined- given the circumstances.  But there were always circumstances it seemed.  Right job, right pay, right people, right place, right passion… they never quite came together, but every step turned out to be just that… and usually one closer to an end goal I didn’t have clearly defined.  So there was always an underlying sense of things being transitional or incomplete.

I didn’t have any goals.  My undefined vision fueled my apathy to a busy life full of aesthetic tasks and meetings.  I had allowed the comforts of being somewhere familiar dissolve the great need for change and challenge.  There were, of course, daily opportunities to try something new, but nothing groundbreaking.  Physically I’d achieved my Ironman goals, I had a job with a slow but steady growth path, and I had money and freedom to live how I pleased.  All things considered I’d stopped dreaming, and I could feel the world passing me by.

I’d become cynical.  I had started to resign to the thought that perhaps it’s better to settle and be quiet than to keep chasing the unknown.  This perpetuated a constant cynicism about the way others derived happiness.  It came from a place of jealousy.  I wanted to be happy with the life I had, but being who I am strongly conflicted with approaching life the way I needed to, and moreover accepting the fact that I was a bit different.  We all are.  That’s important to remember.

I wasn’t finished.  The most liberating realization came close to the end of my beauty rest when I started to develop an internal sense of self, and a drive for change.  In some ways my “depression” (for lack of a better word) was undoubtedly revealed when I could no longer be “busy” and had to come face to face with being alone, physically and mentally.  I wasn’t finished.  I was just getting started.  To be as cliche as possible, I felt reborn.

Coming to Kenya was the product of a renewed sense of purpose.  I can’t claim the foresight of knowing it was the right step, but it was an opportunity, a different direction, and a chance to re-learn about myself and the world.  Clearly it has been a beautiful blend of ups and downs.  When people ask me what I love about Nairobi, I usually come up with some bullshit response about the people, and the diversity, and the culture.  I’ll be honest.  It’s just the place to be.  There’s a lot of thinkers, and even more doers, and it’s expanding in many ways faster than any other city in the world.  It’s exciting, and stressful, and dangerous, and rewarding all at the same time.  And I don’t love Nairobi, but I love the living soul of the city.

So to end my psychiatric rant about inner peace, and happiness, I think I can sum it up in three thoughts.

1. Take time to listen to your heart… when it’s calling for you.. (sorry-I’m not sorry-this song is also stuck in my head) Don’t ignore it.  Be bold.
2. Life is as short as it is long.  Don’t live so completely in the moment, that you forget to invest in yourself for the long term.
3. When you find yourself at a loss for purpose, courage, and inspiration, forget every expectation that you or anyone else has placed on you.
4. Don’t be afraid to die.  Fear is just a feeling.  We all end up in the same place.
5. I can’t count.