It’s been four years today I that I arrived in Nairobi. However, I’m writing this post from downtown Denver.

I’ve been traveling within the US now for almost 8 weeks. It’s been a trip of mixed feelings.

One year ago I moved house in Nairobi after a double robbery. In addition to health and work stress I was sorting out evidence and police investigations. I wanted to leave Nairobi.

Two years ago I was at the beginning of the most valuable and challenging professional journey of my life so far. Holding the reigns of a young and stubborn business in my hands with no experience to guide me.

Three years ago I met the people who I didn’t realize would become my home, my family. I embarked on one of several life changing road trips across the African continent.

Four years ago I found Fred the driver waiting for me outside the old Nairobi arrivals terminal. I had two suitcases, wide pit stains, and I was scared and hungry. I made it to the Burn house wheeled my bags into the servant’s quarters and crawled underneath an asymmetric mosquito net. The next morning, I wrote my first blog post from Kenya.

A lot has changed in four years. I have changed in four years.

In the last 8 weeks, I’ve come face to face with my decision to live in a place that has so recently fallen victim to hatred and misfortune. I’ve experienced a full range of emotion since the Dusit attack, and then a second wave of shock in the ET302 crash.

An accurate reflection on the last four years seems out of place for this blog post.

Nothing will ever feel the same.

“Fear and sorrow inhibit action; anger generates it. When you learn to make proper use of your anger, you can change fear and sorrow to anger, then turn anger to action. That’s the body’s secret of internal alchemy.”

– The Way of the Peaceful Warrior

I am angry. As the emotions inside me start to settle I feel a calm, collected, focused rage towards injustice and ignorance.

I feel angry at myself for taking many things for granted, for wasting time on what feels petty.

For two years I’ve received blow after blow from all angles (safety, security, health, loss…) I’ve considered throwing in the towel, leaving the place I call home.

I feel impatient with all the behaviors I permit that hold me back. The voices in my head that whisper, “you can’t do it…”

But I’m driven by this anger. I feel the discomfort of change, within myself. I look at the future as a quicksand canvas which requires aggressive action to make a lasting mark.

As I embark on my fifth year in Nairobi I have these principles in mind:

1. Don’t waste time. On people, activities, jobs, or anything else that doesn’t bring meaning and value to my life.

2. Define value. Put the effort in to be clear on exactly what I value; what means the most to me.

3. Set my goals and action plans accordingly. I don’t want to get distracted by things that detract from what’s important.

4. It’s never too late. I’m not too old, the time has not passed, and I can always learn what I want and need to achieve my goals.

5. I need just enough food, money, and sleep

6. I need more self-love, self-awareness, and kindness.

7. People may never remember what I say or what I do, but they will always remember how I make them feel.

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I return to Nairobi on Saturday, March 29th after what seems like an eternity. I miss my home. I miss my community.

Four years is just the beginning. I’m just getting started.

To quote Bruce Banner before he enters the battle with the Avengers,

“That’s the secret, Captain, I’m always angry.”